Burnt popcorn seeds vaguely taste like watermelon Maybe it's a texture thing or perhaps I'm just craving To have some watermelon so I'm just thinking about it And whatever is in my mouth reminds me of it Kind of like whenever I think about pineapple I feel the acidity on the roof of my mouth And every time that I have some pineapple It's not half as acidic as I seem to have recalled So maybe I should just not take my memories for granted Cause if and when I grow old I'll probably lose them all Maybe I'll just misremember the taste of pineapple Or I won't recognize my own reflection in the pond And maybe next time I have some watermelon I will find It tastes nothing like the burnt popcorn seeds I had last time And maybe next time I have some pineapple I will see How sweet a taste it'd be to share with my chosen family Burnt popcorn seeds vaguely taste like watermelon Maybe it's a texture thing or perhaps I'm just craving To have some watermelon so I'm just thinking about it And whatever is in my mouth reminds me of it And whatever is in my mouth reminds me of it

Don't cry, don't you cry Don't cry because, I know you'll be alright Memories from the past, When I was sexually harrassed, It's too late for me to call blame Cause I don't remember names But I was, isolated, I was, alienated, I was made to be the fool Even though I thought I was kinda cool I had this one so-called friend This tough chubby black kid I went to his house one time And he jacked off in front of me That was really gross and weird It was under the desk so I couldn't really tell What he was doing till I thought about it later And somehow I was the faggot He kept me around for his amusement I just wanted to not feel like a shoe-in But I was his punching bag And also somehow I was the fag Everybody there called me that ... I mean they were right but still it hurts, yeah Memories from the past, When I was sexually harrassed, I escaped through the internet, But my cynicism grew from it I was, isolated, I was, alienated, My one, only true friend was the weird kid I wonder how he's doing But it's been too long for me to really call Yes, it's been far too long for me to call Says there's a reason Says there's a reason Says there's a reason Says there's a reason God says there's a reason God says there's a reason God says there's a reason God says there's a reason And I don't know if that's true Yes I don't know anymore if that's true And I don't know if god has a plan Does he have a plan for us? I don't know if god has a plan Does he have a plan for us? Oh, I don't know if god has a plan Does he have a plan for us? Does he have a plan for us? Does he have a plan for us? Does he have a plan for us?

Please, oh butcher I have a request Would you rid me of my vessel of flesh? You'll be doing a great service to all of our friends It's not cannibalism cause I'm not human Oh please, burn all my hairs off Oh please, peel my whole face off I can't stand my own mortal coil Then you can cook it with tin foil Pack it all up and serve to Sir Doyle He's one of my closest friends Over the 90 years he's been dead Don't know what'll happen cause God has been gone Or he stopped caring at all cause I'm here on this earth I'm just canner beef I don't even deserve me Please just grind me up and immolate me I can't look in the mirror cause it's filled with those snakes I can't even look down cause I'll see my disgrace I can't even speak cause I'll intone it all wrong There's no true god of hope so I wanna be gone So please, burn all my hairs off Oh please, peel my whole face off I'm a freak, perfectly normal If you do it I won't contribute To the forty-one they use as rebuke I'll just be a common casualty They'll mark my grave wrong that's my legacy

Doggy here, doggy here Chewing on my bone Hey doggy here, doggy here Stop chewing on my throat Hey doggy here, doggy here Looking on the floor Hey doggy here, doggy here See the writing on the wall Don't want ya here no more, be gone Be gone, be gone Oh, why are we feeling sad? Oh, Noah's dog gone mad Oh, feeling goes away Oh, it will return some day Doggy here, toss a stick Run over there Hey doggy here, stay distracted With anxious laws Doggy here, doggy here Gnawing on my brain Hey doggy here, doggy here Keep me from the plane Through the barking, avoid the pain Frenzied barking, to repeat the refrain Refrain, refrain, refrain Oh, why are we feeling sad? Oh, Noah's dog gone mad Oh, never went away Oh, ruin me and flay Ruin me, ruin me, ruin me, ruin me, ruin me, ruin me, ruin me, ruin me, ruin me Doggy here, doggy here Pet my head please Doggy here, doggy here I need to eat Doggy here, doggy here Give me a treat Doggy here, doggy here Are you me? Let me go home Leave me alone Oh, why are we feeling sad? Oh, Noah's dog gone mad Oh, rabbits on a field Oh, what is it they yield?

[Part I: Painkiller] It's an omni-consuming lovecraftian feeling that none outside my mind's eye can see I hide it, deny it, repress and defy it but it all remains to me It's unhealthy to keep it in the pickle jar but nobody else knows of the brine's taste But it erodes in my skull, my spine, and my soul Without help it'll all turn to waste So do I let you in? Can I open my door? Will you sweep up the dust or leave it all to rust? Who do I call when life seems so absurd? Go to the hospital, and they give me the word Such a kind prescription that I found And by prescription of course I mean you It's a bit on the nose and so is this line But I can't be bothered to rehearse So while my sense of reality crumbles at my fingertips At least I can know, be comforted in known that you'll be there to grab my tits So do I let you in? Can I open my door? Will you sweep up the dust or leave it all to rust? Who do I call when life seems so absurd? Pick up my (your) phone, and you give me your word [Part II: Tray Cigarettes] Oh What, what did we say? It's lost in the haze I've made a mistake Where did we go? How can we know? Where we can find all our lost minds Where did we go? How can we know? Where we can find all our lost minds All of the time that we have spent Looking out for what it all meant We should've slept, cause we forget And it piles some more, like tray cigarettes

That was... I lost count of the amount of times I tried to play that. I don't even know how to play harmonica. Uhm, I got about a minute and a half in last time before my brother interrupted. Then I spent a solid ten minutes, uh, fixing Audacity crashing, because... It kept crashing. And, uhm, now I'm here. This is here, this is now. I sit by my desk, as I have for so many days, and so many nights. And I wonder to myself, what am I doing? My, uh, name change, got adjourned. I, I asked them to adjourn it, because, uhm.. I just have some documents that are, kind of a mess, I don't have... any photo ID. Any photo identification, because... the, the prospect of having another piece of paper with that name on it. It just, anguishes me. So, I don't have a choice but to wait for my passport to arrive now. And, I don't know when that's going to happen. I hope it gets here on time. That's all I can say. My boyfriend left his gloves here from last time he visited me. They, they still smell like him. They've been there for well over a week. Things are going pretty alright, all things considered. I'm doing much better than I was before, but... I still feel antsy, I still feel antsy. It's like, something, at the back of my brain, that's just yelling. And, I know what it is, I just struggle to put a name to it. Fear? I guess that's it. I mean, I turned 18 like, what? I'm almost 19, shit. That's fucked up. And I'm still here, still got a couple months to go before I graduate high school, then off to college, then god knows what. And I wonder sometimes, is this really, like... it? I.T., it? Is this where it's going? Maybe. I could die tomorrow for all I know. We all could. The great incertainty of the future, scares me, scares me, and... I don't know if I'll ever get over it. I might... never get over it. I try to never think about. I try to never think about space, I try to never think about... the imposing doom of the world and all that. Because, if I don't think about it, then... well, I know it won't go away, but... maybe it'll be more manageable. Uhm, there is something that I wrote, back in, like, October of last- two years ago. It's been... October of '21. I'm on the bus home, listening to Reuse the Cels by Car Seat Headrest, and the bus stops at a red light. I saw a small child, less than 10 years old probably, and, uh, he was dropped off in front of his house by a small private school bus. He had a colorful backpack and a lunchbox. His uhm, well, I presume his mother, uh.. was in front of the two-story house waiting for him. He happily jumped in his mom's direction, holding her hand and bouncing. I couldn't see his face but I knew he had a smile. I felt tempted to cry but I don't know why. As the bus drove off, a crimson colored car soon followed, driving to the house's driveway. And the boy jumped along, making his way to the driver's door. The passenger door opening was the last thing I saw before that scene left my sight. I haven't thought about that until earlier today. I never think about that.

I still remember the night you cried on my bedsheets That was the day you died But I know when we woke up you were more alive than you ever were And I touched your scruffy chin and I loved it all the more I wanna spend the nights with you You ease the things that are coming to me And I hope I do the same for you And when it's all said and done I'll be the one Holding the black umbrella And nobody will know They wouldn't buy it if I told them so And your story will be sold On a paperback college textbook But they'll spell your name wrong And they won't mention the songs You used to listen to God I hated them so much But it doesn't matter what I thought I'm less important than what you fought I stay awake at night Wondering if you'll come home this time You're so grand and important and big I'm just a mere little fig-ment And I've made peach with that But the stress is too much As I pour me another cup Of existentialist dread As you go out to war again And when it's all said and done I'll be the one Holding the black umbrella It's three transgressions for... For four I will not revoke the punishment It's three transgressions for... For four I will not revoke the punishment And your father will be proud And your mother would be so proud And I will be proud

A little girl walked up the street Prancing around on her feet She walked up to a tree An apple fell on her feet There was a worm inside of it She cried, wanted to rid of it The worm it simply stared and laughed And said "Girly, please take off your mask" Everybody here can see Through your silly fakery Through your silly fakery Through your silly fakery The girly listen she did not Denied the truth of her thoughts And the girly she did curse The worm from the apple of the tree Through her silly fakery Through her silly fakery Through her silly fakery The fakery of the girly The fakery towards the tree The fakery of the girly The fakery towards the tree Tree knows A little girl walked up the street Prancing around on her feet She walked up to a tree An apple fell on her feet Tree knows Tree knows Tree knows The girl she looked at her hands Covered in all that sap The vines enveloped all her limbs The vines made the girl all limp Tree knows Tree knows Tree knows Your jaw's too strong, your hands too big Your voice too deep, your shoulders broad Everyone that you ever loved just feeds into your lies you know Because if they didn't you fragile fuck You'd just kill yourself and maybe you should Dodge the draft, join the troops We'd be much better without you It was not her fault It was not her fault She did not mean it She did not mean it That is what they had cried When they found she had died She tore off all her flesh Scars and bones was all left The doctor said he wasn't fine He did not have too much time But the doc helped not at all Made her feel bad and fall Next thing she knew the tree came And ripped off all her flesh away The worm it simply stared and laughed

There is beauty in the walls in which we all reside I know you can find it if you just give it time Cook with another face for a while and then you'll see how much you love the world There might panic in the parking lot There might be a part of you that's killed every day There might be a day where something will change But till then you can enjoy the simplest of things